Monday, September 20, 2010

Curvy Gal as Nun

Wow! I had no idea I'd still have anyone keeping an eye on my blog. So I'll update you on what is going on. Bit rusty on the writing, haven't done any for a year. But that's not the only thing I've been missing. Would you believe I've had NO SEX for an entire year. And I'm going crazy. Bugnuts, totally loopy. And I've no idea what to do about my situation.

My life changed this year, and for a while I was distracted and not feeling much like sex. So I stopped contacting my regular lovers. Had emails every now and then from regular clients, asking for bookings. Just ignored them. It felt good and powerful to be not feeling like sex, and just getting on with life.

And then something odd happened.

The longer I went without sex, the more it became some Kinda Big Deal. The closest thing I can liken it to is an alcoholic who is managing the one day at a time thing and whamo, find they are into the whole Recovery-speak. Blurgh.

Somewhere past the six month mark I decided that my new found abstinence meant I could be a "normal" gal and just date, in hopes of meeting someone I could live happily ever after with. Even though I really am okay with being single, well, if I wasn't so sexually frustrated.

But then I thought, maybe I'd pretend the whore experiment had never happened. That then extended into a whole new moral code of not sleeping with anyone who is taken. So...only dating single people with no money involved. Like the rest of the world. A New Me.

But folks, the issue is, I HATE IT. I've tried online dating, I've tried joining groups to meet like minded people, hell, I'm one step away from eHarmony.

The dates I have been on have just totally been wash outs. Mostly I find myself thinking, hey, you're nice enough, if you were a client I'd totally shag you for dollars. But not for free. And they're all awkward and first date like, and I slip into the "make you feel comfortable" sex worker role.

I don't want to boast, but I fucking rock at having a coffee with someone and putting on a great show of being friendly, happy, flirty and asking all the right questions. Which of course means then the dates are keen to get together again. And I'm NOT. I'm so bored I think my eyes are going to roll up into my head and I'll drop dead from the total blahness of it all.

So I have given up the dating. Back to just wanting some sexin' now. I'm gagging for it. If I lived many moons ago doctors would be diagnosing me with hysteria. I'm moody, aggressive, lack patience, fragile and losing my sense of humour.

But now it's been a year and I've got into some odd headspace where I feel like I'm some sort of Virgin 2.0, and I can only give my vajayjay to someone special. But I hate that I feel that way. Cause I want sex. Did I say that enough already?

And now I don't know how to go about getting back on the horse so to speak. I have one regular realworld lover who I've tracked down, but he's still married, so that would break my new rules. I have that handful of regular clients who have spent the year forlornly emailing me, even after I stopped replying. So I could go grab some easy cash by shagging people I already trust. And if I picked the clients I really got off with, then that would cure my hysteria too.

I wonder then if I'll feel like a complete failure in this bizarre "personal growth" thing I've fallen into. Like the alcoholic who wants just one drink, I also think I'd probably fire up the whole whore shebang again. I have missed it.

I'm lashing out in really odd directions. Like email Married Lover (the guy who'd grown a beard and I last had animal sex with a year ago if you can remember that far back in my blog) and we have had some banter going back and forward. And then I stop. And go and stare at his wife's page on Facebook and think, "this is who I'd be hurting if she ever found out". And then he emails sexy little things and I email back again. And then stop.

I've also taken out a new ad in the escort section of the paper. And I did start my usual questions and banter with a few men, and then stopped. And I've rejoined the sex workers union. And I'm going to the annual conference too, out of curiosity.

I've also contacted IT Guy client cause he was the most harmless, plus single. But then I doubled my rates in an attempt to sabotage him actually making a booking. Which worked and has probably driven him off for good I'm guessing, which would suck if I really did want to get back into it all.

What to do, what to do.

7 comments:

  1. Have you considered semi-casual sex with a couple responsible single partners who don't want the whole relationship thing at the moment? For a while I would put a fantasy scenario or whatnot on craigslist and pick the most promising of the many eager candidates. This led to a couple of people I would see every couple of weeks. I felt like it was mutual benefit, respectful, but without having to be a giant section of my life. I still even went on regular dates even. Also, it is kind of nice to see the guys get to work a little harder on the seduction in the name of competition. You really can just put out there what you want to hear or experience and then pick the one that says/does it best.

    It seems like with dating, there is this weird pressure. On the other hand, my regular dating, while in general pretty tedious, FINALLY ended me up with exactly who I was hoping for and we are now engaged. So basically, dating sucks, but in the end it is a numbers game and if you keep it up, you will get what you want. In the meantime, I don't see what is wrong with keeping yourself happy, along with a few men in your same situation.

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  2. I want *exactly* what you describe! But the issue is, I know that the guys I'd be getting it from are just high-fiving each other about getting the sex for free. I pretty sure they aren't seeing it the way I am. As a respectful mutual exchange.

    That was one of the things that made me decide to take cash for sex. I put up/answered fantasy ads on Craigslist in both the normal, and paid escort section and at least fifty percent of the time the same guys responded to both.

    I've put up some ads asking for what I want in the last few months to test this again, but then I run the email addresses of the eager men against my saved messages from years past (I never delete) and then I find they responded to the paid ads to. And I don't wanna be a free prostitute.

    So it's either take money from the guys, picking the ones I would have done for free anyhow, or hang out for someone I connect with.

    That's just my take on the semi-regular casual sex thing - I've admitted before whoring killed casual sex for me which I do regret a little.

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  3. I agree with Laura; finding candidates that want exactly what you do will be key here. But you may have to widen your net a bit, outside of CL. I think PinPointX and adultfriendfinder, and maybe even Nerve personals might be good starting points. The cross-checking is a good idea, too, as CL's adult section has become more policed and people are going to other arenas.

    Don't get discouraged; casual sex can be difficult for any/everyone!

    Oh, and welcome back!

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  4. How about trying a 3 some with a couple? I do alot of looking on Craigslist and belong to a site called Fetlife where I follow a Threesome group and EVERYONE is looking for that bi lady to bring into a threesome...in fact they're so rare that they refer to them as unicorns! But, I guess that would depend on if you're into girls at all :) just thinking that those situations are usually No Strings Attached and it's not like the guy is cheating because his lady is there too!

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  5. Dating is hard, I agree. Hope you're doing okay these days!

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  6. So I stopped checking up on your blog after it was closed forever and today I though what the hell and clicked on it my blogroll and here you are! Well, from September, good to hear from you! Write more and hope things are going well!

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