Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Fetish

A quick story I thought I'd share with you..

One of the clients I contacted is the guy I met in a hotel for ten minutes of boob play - and walking out of his hotel I fell and did my ankle. I thought at the time he was super hot. So hot and fun I was at a bit of a loss to why he was paying for ten minutes with me when he could have had so much more - and for free lol.

It turns out that I'm no longer suitable for him. He's on a quest to find even bigger breasts to play with and titty fuck, and as awesome as mine were, they are no longer enough, he says.

I was shocked. No one has ever thought my F cup plus breasts too small! Then I had a bit of a giggle. It's nice to know I'm the benchmark standard for his new search - he is yet to find bigger.

I also thought it a cautionary tale for anyone thinking of actually dating a fetishist or maybe one of the "BBW-only" boys we mentioned a few posts ago. Being totally defined by a physical attribute means you're sure to get rejected if you change - or they want more!

Has anyone dated a true fetishist? I'm thinking it would involve lots of negotiation to work. Say with Mr Boobs here - you could marry him but you'd have to allow him to wander off to search to fulfill his fetish otherwise I doubt he'd stay in the relationship. Either that or he'd lie. I wonder how many people have married guys with obsessions and just never knew what they *really* wanted? Has anyone got any stories to share?

Never say die?

Oh dear. Just after I tell you all I'm ready to quit I start to wonder. See I finally did join the whore's union I was telling you about ages ago. And it took them a while to process the application and then my handwriting was messy and they called me to get my details!

I was at dayjob so was very quick to say I couldn't talk. So we had an email conversation - lovely admin guy and officially the first ever other sex worker I've spoken to in person who also knows I'm a sex worker. I was a bit freaked out, like maybe a scarlet letter was going to appear mid-forehead and mark me forever to the general public. Nothing like that happened of course, and now I'm on the mailing list.

Reading the list made me miss the excitement so...I emailed a couple of my old clients who I thought I could see again. And if all goes well I have a booking tomorrow! The good news is I have firm opinions of which clients I don't want anything to do with and which ones I'd see again - so far the new, higher standards are holding!

I also placed a new ad with all my new rules - extra money, no incalls and the like and I've got a few potentials lined up. Not sure if I want new clients yet, but if I do enjoy work tomorrow then maybe I'll get back into it...."real life" is just so freaking dull sometimes you know!?

Monday, May 25, 2009

Ask Curvy

So...a fellow curvy girl has written to me and asked if I had any opinions on the following topic:

Society basically tells us that people (particularly women) of a certain size aren't supposed to be having sex at all, aren't sexy, and so enticing someone to do/believe just that carries a bit of baggage as well. Having the "confidence" that every sex manual prescribes seems silly without the means to combat all the societal (and internal) negativity..what do you think?

Well I would say that you are bang on the money! I had a completely sexless high school and ended up in a relationship for five years with almost the first person I kissed in college. And until I was in that relationship I'd never done a single thing sober - even kissing! And not even much of it with people I'd fancied. Just those that happened to be there when I was drunk enough not to care what people thought of my weight.

Then after that relationship I thought the solution was to get skinny so I lost over 50 pounds and was an absolute twat for a lot of my twenties - egotistical, over the top confident, god's gift to the world. Cause, you know, I was thin and people hit on me. Then the weight came back and I was back to square one.

It wasn't until I started exploring the online world that I first stumbled onto those men that loved a BBW woman. And from there I figured out how much they'd PAY for the right curvy gal. It totally blew my mind. This was a very odd way though to find my mojo, so I'm going to give you some hints that may help you find yours without resorting to casual sex with online dudes ;-)

Some suggestions to find your sexy self

1) Re-examine your life, not looking at the rejections or negative dating/sex things, but the positive. I bet you'd forgotten about some of the opportunities that came your way!

I spend a good few hours going through my memories and pulled out a few surprising things I'd buried. Like the hot, popular guy at school who dated a really big gal. They broke up and we had a bit of a flirt thing going, but I changed schools. I filed it under "was never going to happen" and in hindsight realise he was probably the holy grail. A normal guy who loved big chicks! Doh. If only I'd filed it under "would have happened if I'd stuck around and is PROOF people find me attractive no matter my size." That may have changed my attitude toward so many things.

Then there was the girl who put her hand on my thigh suggestively under the table at the local pub. I filed that as "probably doesn't realise it is me" rather than "She's sending me a pretty clear signal."

And the boy who took me for a walk by the waterfront at seventeen and we sat next to each other talking for hours about the usual angsty things and I just thought I was playing the role of "fat girl friend easy to talk to" when probably I could have reached out and taken his hand and I bet not got rejected..and from there..who knows?

The moral of this is that I'm somewhat to blame for lack of confidence because of how I interpreted things.

2) If you can - date girls.

Sorry - this one is just a bit of a light hearted suggestion but in my experience women judge less on size when forming relationships and are less likely to reject someone based on looks alone. Skinny or not, some of the hottest people I've dated have been women rather than men. Maybe it was simply because I was less afraid to approach a hot woman? I dunno, but it is interesting - talk to some lesbian or bi girls if you don't believe me. And then go and buy Angelina or Pink a drink and let me know how you go!

3) Realise that guys in groups may be less likely targets for you.

Men hunting as packs are feral. Even if there is a guy amongst them who loves a curvy woman, he may not admit it in front of his mates, especially if drinking. If you really find a guy in a group hot then find a moment to say hi when he is at the bar or on the way to the toilet! You don't want to be around his mates if they start in on "ZOMG look what the fat chick did" juvenile behaviour.

4) You could try stereotyping, but it could backfire.

Where I live I know that usually a Greek or Italian guy is likely to find me hot. I do know I flirt more with them because they seem open to boobs and belly and appreciative of all things female. But I know that some of them also only like supermodels, so it could backfire! If you can think of a culture that loves a real woman you could try targeting the guys!

5) Be wary of the "BBW Only" man

I know I've suggested trying to find guys who are more open to curvy gals, but watch for the fetish type of guys who only want to date a BBW. One of the scariest dates I went on was with one of these. He spent time bitching about a failed date with a woman who thought she was fat, but really was far too skinny to interest him, and he felt forced to point out that she was only a size 12-14 and that was totally gross. Woah. It's sizeism in reverse and I don't EVER want to be with anyone who is totally about the physical and nothing else.

6) Dare yourself in the street to be a bit more open.

I often glance away when I notice someone looking at me. The internal dialogue starts to run "Oh, they are staring cause you are fat and should be ashamed." But I've stopped doing that. I saw a cute guy in the street and he caught my gaze in his direction and I fought the urge to turn away or drop my eyes all embarrassed like. And you know what - he smiled at me. He may just be polite, but still it was an ego boost cause I chose to interpret it as a good thing.

Along side this goes the obvious advice of not trying to be invisible - walk tall, don't hug the edge of the sidewalk, don't look down at your feet. Where clothes that suit your personality. Don't hide from hairdressers or makeup or bright colours or anything like that and punch anyone who talks about black being slimming. I am socially backward at makeup I know since I didn't see the point as a fat teenager - but it's not too late to learn! We're fat - not lepers.

7) Take the easy way out

I'm a big fan of notes! Write a note and leave it for the cute waiter. Get some of those great moo.com cards with your first name and an email or phone number or something and hand them out. Run away if you have to afterwards but it's a start to putting yourself out there. You can work up to asking someone out if you like later.

8) Travel

Everyone has lower inhibitions when traveling. Pretend you are someone new for a few days or weeks and see what happens. Bonus points if you go somewhere that means you have an accent. It's like shooting fish in a barrel then!

9) Dress the part

It's hard work to find sexy clothes, especially lingerie, that flatter a big girl but for me I think of it as like a costume and can play up and be much sexier than I am normally!

10) Rejection happens

Try not to put down rejection to the size thing. Anyone trying to get laid, get lucky, find love or whatever is faced with rejection at times. Lick your wounds and move on!

I don't know if any of this is much help to anyone - I think I suffer just as much as the next girl with the same size issues in public - my escorting is almost like a cheat's way because online clients already know what I look like and being rejected online is not a big deal.

So if any one else wants to suggest options for feeling like a sexual being - love handles and all - then fire away!





Thursday, May 14, 2009

I am still alive

So sorry gang for the lack of posts lately. A few things colliding in my life mean that I'm pretty sure I'm on the path to quitting the whoring for now. Plus I admit to being a tiny bit freaked out by some of the comments, sometimes on the blog, but more often to me personally.

Somehow I think I've picked up a few wanna-be johns as readers, bbw admirers getting their rocks off on the idea of me. And while I had no idea who I was writing the blog for, I think in hindsight I was writing it for girls, other sex workers, and sex worker curious women. Plus wanting to be another voice for the chubbsters of the world. So getting propositioned via the blog was once a quite flattering thing, but some of it has been a tad creepy lately. I don't want anyone getting obsessed with me! I'm much more than just the things I write about here, and you can't get a full picture of me just from this site. Trust me on that ;-)

Another reason I think I'm getting a bit over it all is that it's been a long enough time from my last relationship breakup that I think my heart may be coming back on line.

Quitting is harder said than done. I'm still very much the borderline sex addict I think, but lately I've not really been able to manage the emotional side of sex very well. I feel like I only want to sleep with people that I like and respect, if not love. And I want spooning. This is all very odd for me, and I imagine that the skin crawling sensation while thinking about stranger sex, or fucking just for the sake of it, is what girls who aren't in casual sex must feel like all of the time! Wow, it's pretty limiting. But does give me a lot more spare time!

So I've just turned off the filth phone, and I've pretty much ignored the emails requesting a booking. For a couple of guys I've tried to be polite, and boy has it backfired. To one guy I explained I'd retired, and couldn't see him. His response:

"Hey thanks for your reply. I have the day off as I said and would really like to play with you. I love all women, but especially bbw ones who really turn me on. Even if I could just see you naked and wank that would be hot."

What really irked me about his reply was his lack of respect for me saying "no". He didn't even acknowledge that. Which does worry me a bit - what if I ever said NO in person - would some guys just not hear it and continue on? Also his way of saying "bbw ones" was very depersonalising. I do try and make sure my clients see me as a person - the whole GFE is about not just below the neck but above, however it's clear that doesn't always work!!

The other guy asked if I was still up for fun in bed and I replied that I was, but not in the whoring field any longer. Trying to be a bit funny. His reply: "Great, does that mean a free fuck then?"

Oh My God. You know who this john was? Grandpa. Seriously?! Did he really think that taking the cash out of the equation I would still go to bed with him? I would rather give a blow job to a labrador then sleep with him for free.

The funny this was with both these guys was they didn't try the obvious tactic - offering more money!! Duh!! If there was anyway a retiring whore may give you a repeat booking then it would be for a crap load of dollars!

On a positive note, I've also had a tonne of emails from zaftig girls asking for sex or love advice, or telling me how reading my blog as helped them reconcille their size and their sexuality. This makes me very very happy. And for one special reader I promised her a full blog in reply to her question so stay tuned!

xx

CG