A while back I received an email from a male follower of the blog looking for advice. In a nutshell here is his question:
I'm in a wonderful relationship with a bigger woman, she is all I ever wanted and so much more, but no fairy tale is without issues,right? We decided we are doing the big "it" after hours and hours of mad phone sex and lots of nude pics. We are going to have sex. Which is a big thing for her because she has never been with any man other than her husband. Now she is a big girl and I want to make this first time special , because I really love her. Any tips for the sex or the relationship?
First thoughts were - huh, interesting. He mentions husband, so she is married I'm guessing and thus it's some kind of affair, or maybe she is in the process of moving on. And somewhere else in his original email he mentions a big age gap. I pass no judgement on any of that - how could I with my shenanigans?
To be honest, it was something else that sent alarm bells ringing. From his full email which has some more detail, I gather by the repeated use of "bigger woman/big girl" descriptions that the gal in question really has size issues herself that he is picking up on, and trying to fix, or at least, work with, cause he's in love.
Now I'm all for communicating about your deepest feelings and insecurities and stuff, but there is a limit. And I've heard from lots of men that have gone emotionally bankrupt trying to fill the neediness of a plus size woman who can't accept herself.
Sure, us zaftig girls got a shit deal from society. We've been judged, yelled at, teased, rejected and not represented in any mainstream way as being sexual beings. And for a bit of tough love I say boo hoo to all of that. It sucked growing up that way. It sucks now. But that is no excuse not to "handle your own scandal", as my friend Marina says.
Deal with your baggage and don't use it as an excuse to be broken and don't present yourself on the dating scene as having "Issues". That, more than your size, is probably what makes people run. And I am speaking from experience. I've been the big girl, and I've dated the big girl too. And slept with the big guys with their problems too.
So I would warn this guy that the issue is not his, but that he needs to let her know what he told me - he's aware of her concerns, he loves her, and he hopes she's getting the help that she needs - therapy or whatever - to come into the relationship as a complete person, and not a person that needs rescuing.
They are off to a good start. Phone sex is great. And swapping naked pics means that the girl should be *more confident* already that she's not going to be rejected cause this guy is still hanging in there interested.
When it comes down to the actual business of getting it on, my advice is the same as it would be to any new couple - make sure you know what each other likes, talk, ask, try different things, don't be drunk, don't rush it and don't act as if orgasm or even penetration is the end game. And for goodness sake, if you do love the woman, offer some spooning and at least a few words of conversation afterwards!