Monday, July 13, 2009

Silly Gal

Oh dear. I am an idiot. Am banging head against wall as we speak. No, really I lie. I'm in pyjamas eating ice cream and watching crap TV from my bed. I just turned down a well paid booking with a very good looking young guy who is about a half hour drive away.

No real reason except for some irrational desire not to wipe out any last traces of Mr Married. Like, oh, his lips were the last to touch mine, his penis the last one I had inside me.

Doh. Another spoon of icecream into my mouth.

Like Mr Married isn't already back home shagging his wife, or having some play in his own sex work. Or even at a prostitute himself - cause I know he has used them. You can bet if he is being careful there is no trace of me in his life - emails, photos, anything! And I'm certain no physical evidence. I was careful not to mark him.

Pity he has marked me in some strange way.

I need some more icecream - and perhaps as we say around my place, "a teaspoon full of cement". To harden the fuck up ;-)


  1. It's not silly.
    You felt "loved" and cared for while he was around. Sometimes that is what you need more than anything than sex and money.

  2. You aren't silly. There is a part of you that wouldn't mind you finding your way out, and getting a chance to have a different kind of life. I don't think you are meant to do this, and I hope that you can find a way to where you want to be.

  3. Oh Mark don't going falling for that old chestnut of thinking I'm trapped in sex work, or wanting to find my way out, or that somehow I'm not meant to do it!

    I don't have any kind of pimp, no addictions, I already have a day job so don't need the money. It's been entirely my choice to have this adventure and I don't regret it, nor wish to stop it at the moment.

    Sure, I've discovered something about myself - I'm a softie at heart and would like a relationship, but that doesn't mean I "need to find a way out". It only means that life is complex and juggling sex, money and feelings is also hard work at times! I think most people would agree with that - sex worker or not!

  4. I'm sorry you're feeling so down; don't be too hard on yourself!

  5. LOL ... I happpen to be reading back and caught this ...

    I don't think that I meant to say you want out of the profession ... it is your job and it is what you do. I mean that you want some meaning in your life.

    Since I have been reading you, I have wondered about whether or not I could deal. I remember one girl that I dated ... Jenny from my high school and Army days, who wanted to 'play'.

    She wanted to be involved in 'three's and fours', and I was like, 'Cool, I will watch!!'

    She didn't like that. Then I told her, you can go do what you do, come back home and we will do what we do. She didn't like that.

    Said all that to say, I wonder if I could be the kind of guy that would easily be able to deal with your job, and maintain a good relationship. If I am, then that means that there is someone else out there, just as 'unique' as I am.

    When I said 'you want out', I meant the meaninglessness of it all. For instance, your story about the ball player, was one where you may have been looking for something that had gone from him. The magic that had be part of the original relationship was gone, and that was why you entertained him. It wasn't about the work, it was the emotional fulfillment.

    I know you like your job. I used to like mine. I didn't mind beating guys in the head, even if it cost me in the end. So I get that.

    Your heart is something else that I think I get. And that is why I read your journal. I want to see if you can find your happiness.