I'll admit right now that I'm in a pretty emotional frame of mind - hormones are going crazy on me at the moment. Still, I was surprised that the day after Mr Married left I cried on and off for HOURS. Longer, most likely, that the entire time his penis had ever been inside me.
Part of it was unrelated- I'm packing my suitcase to go back home, but I really love the spot I have vacationed in for the last three weeks and wish somehow I could live here. So there's that. Plus I don't want to go back to my dayjob. I am growing to hate it. But I don't think I could pull of the paid sex work full time and not have to work. So all of that is piling up as I sort through my books deciding which ones will fit under the baggage limit for international flights.
On a positive note, it is refreshing that I can still act like a stupid love stuck teenager and totally feel something for someone - being a whore hasn't really destroyed anything inside me. I'm not some dead-eyed-Hollywood version of a used up callgirl who is unseeing or unfeeling. Ha.
In between the tears I considered my situation. The tears weren't really for Mr Married. I mean if he turned around and said, right, it's you and me (...er and kids) I don't think I'd be up for it. Rather the tears are showing me I need to go back on the dating scene. I need to be open to feeling something for someone I can have! But I have no idea how to approach this. Maybe you can all give me ideas - where on earth will I find any potential dates?
Here are the issues:
1) Male or female dates - I'm not fussy. But they have to be cool with the fact I've experienced both without getting their knickers in a knot. I could care less how they identify themselves.
2) Ideally they are okay with the sex work and my past adventures. I am willing not to do sex work while in a relationship if needed but I really don't want to pretend it never happened. And the fact that I have admitted to sleeping with married folk can't make them run screaming.
3) Monogamy is a issue. I believe it is possible with a lot of hard work. But I'm not really too fussed on the idea for either myself or my partner. I don't believe monogamy is how you show someone you love them or not, so need a relationship that considers some sort of outlet - polyamory perhaps, even just plain ol' swinging or an open relationship.
4) The whole size thing. I'm never going to be a size zero and I want someone who could care less. I don't want someone who it's a fetish thing for though.
5) Don't like animals or kids? Then move along, nothing to see here...it's a not negotiable. And if you SLEEP with animals or kids, well then I'm sorry that's one kink too far ;-)
On the other side of the equation at least I'm open minded!! My date or partner could be single, divorced or already in some open or poly relationship and could be any race, size, gender and with or without kids, pets and material possessions. Any age from say late twenties to early forties is my best guess. And if there is "baggage" in their past too - cheating, sex work, whatever...I not one to discount them..obviously!
Oh, and if we are going for the ideal person - it's a non-smoker who is funny and smart.
So what do I do? Write up some sort of honest profile for a dating site (errr...BBW sex worker seeks...) or play it all cool and just reveal all of this stuff in tiny portions as I go along dating someone? Where would I even put such a profile? I mean, sure, I might get myself a Best-of-Craigslist nomination if I wrote this in a funny way...
Alright, step to it matchmakers. I'll consider anyone from any part of the world ;-)