Oh drat and darn it. I really can't just do casual sex anymore! I know I've mentioned it before but it's got a little bit worse - I can't even do the "passionate mistress" role anymore. I'm getting too good at faking stuff in the bedroom, and pleasing others and letting them think whatever they like regardless of truth. And with a bit of reflection it's become obvious to me that even the men I had been sleeping with on a casual basis were probably doing the same thing. Pretending whatever it is they thought I wanted, just to get a shag!
A case study. This guy that I had one of the hottest affairs of my life with last year...just before I started the paid work...well I'm back in his part of the world. Now we've kept in touch for an entire year - chatty emails, sexy emails, funny emails, boring emails about our families. At one stage I was prepared to fly to stay near him for a few weeks while he split his time between his wife and me. Oh, I know...all so shady. Yes, I used to sleep with married men even before money came into it. I called it off cause I was in danger of falling for him.
Anyhow, it all faded until I discovered I really would be back in his state. I was all up for a continued affair on a more controlled basis - only a few days so I wouldn't fall for him...but an affair that was to including the laughing, spooning, connection stuff that made us more than just a quick fuck in the first place. The Holy Grail of passionate-oh-why-can't-this-last-forever-hunger-for-another.
Except...his life has changed and now he wanted to come and hang around with me during the day *with his baby*. Ouch. Way to remind a girl she's the mistress. Bring your own flesh and blood to hang out with us. What was I going to do..play pretend families? I'll admit, I'm kid crazy so I said I'd love to meet his child, but it would mean no sex...the thought of me as the other woman touching his wife's baby was just a bit too much for me! But we could meet for a coffee and catch up.
Well that idea didn't go down well. My first true sign that no matter how I rationalise our connection and time together, for him it's just sex. If it was more than sex he'd be glad to at least chat over drinks. And let's be honest. If he'd proved he was at all a little interested in just the chatting date I bet I would have melted on sight anyhow and he would have got lucky. I guess it was kind of a test to see how much he wanted the whole person that is me.
His solution...he'll make up excuses for his wife and come over for a quick visit at night instead. That was the final straw for me. At most that would mean what, one or two hours together? What a stinging blow. After a year apart and a ten hour flight our long-lusted-after affair would come down to nothing more than the same thing I give paid clients - an hour or so of the girlfriend experience???
Sigh. Looks like there is no middle ground for me. I'm going to have to find myself a single, available person to date and really fall for and connect with - with a view to a relationship, OR I'm going to just have to have my paid clients. None of this pseudo inbetween stuff.