Thursday, June 25, 2009

Consequences of Sex Work

Oh drat and darn it. I really can't just do casual sex anymore! I know I've mentioned it before but it's got a little bit worse - I can't even do the "passionate mistress" role anymore. I'm getting too good at faking stuff in the bedroom, and pleasing others and letting them think whatever they like regardless of truth. And with a bit of reflection it's become obvious to me that even the men I had been sleeping with on a casual basis were probably doing the same thing. Pretending whatever it is they thought I wanted, just to get a shag!

A case study. This guy that I had one of the hottest affairs of my life with last year...just before I started the paid work...well I'm back in his part of the world. Now we've kept in touch for an entire year - chatty emails, sexy emails, funny emails, boring emails about our families. At one stage I was prepared to fly to stay near him for a few weeks while he split his time between his wife and me. Oh, I know...all so shady. Yes, I used to sleep with married men even before money came into it. I called it off cause I was in danger of falling for him.

Anyhow, it all faded until I discovered I really would be back in his state. I was all up for a continued affair on a more controlled basis - only a few days so I wouldn't fall for him...but an affair that was to including the laughing, spooning, connection stuff that made us more than just a quick fuck in the first place. The Holy Grail of passionate-oh-why-can't-this-last-forever-hunger-for-another.

Except...his life has changed and now he wanted to come and hang around with me during the day *with his baby*. Ouch. Way to remind a girl she's the mistress. Bring your own flesh and blood to hang out with us. What was I going to pretend families? I'll admit, I'm kid crazy so I said I'd love to meet his child, but it would mean no sex...the thought of me as the other woman touching his wife's baby was just a bit too much for me! But we could meet for a coffee and catch up.

Well that idea didn't go down well. My first true sign that no matter how I rationalise our connection and time together, for him it's just sex. If it was more than sex he'd be glad to at least chat over drinks. And let's be honest. If he'd proved he was at all a little interested in just the chatting date I bet I would have melted on sight anyhow and he would have got lucky. I guess it was kind of a test to see how much he wanted the whole person that is me.

His solution...he'll make up excuses for his wife and come over for a quick visit at night instead. That was the final straw for me. At most that would mean what, one or two hours together? What a stinging blow. After a year apart and a ten hour flight our long-lusted-after affair would come down to nothing more than the same thing I give paid clients - an hour or so of the girlfriend experience???

No thanks.

Sigh. Looks like there is no middle ground for me. I'm going to have to find myself a single, available person to date and really fall for and connect with - with a view to a relationship, OR I'm going to just have to have my paid clients. None of this pseudo inbetween stuff.


  1. I would feel a bit weird about that. I have questionable morality but there are somethings that even I won't do. When I was once having an affair with a guy that was in a committed relationship (but not married-that usually is a no-no for me, I mean outside of swinging which is "allowed cheating", but there have been exceptions on that rule as well). Well, I happened to run in to him and his girlfriend and she was just so happy to meet me, had heard so much about me, and proceeded to have a conversation with me for 15 minutes. I had never felt so awkward and horrible. I didn't sleep with him after that.

  2. Well I do have mixed feelings about my history of married men. I'm okay with it as paid work - I'm just providing a service. But I did have a few married lovers prior to that too.

    I don't do it if I know the wife or man socially - they have to be randoms. Helps to kind of distance the marriage from the sex that way. And I don't seek out married men or do any of the chasing. If they happen to answer one of my online ads then I just don't discount them. And if they lie and say they are single and I discover otherwise then I dump them. I want to make the choice upfront.

    My boss at dayjob has actually watched me go through the odd married man affair - small office and we gossip lots. And he's an openminded sort. He kind of summed it up best with these two points:

    1) If a guy is going to cheat, he's going to cheat. So if you are really into him then you may as well be the one he's with - otherwise it will just be someone else.

    2) You're single and not the guardian of his morality or choices so the issue is all his.

    Ha...he sort of gave me approval with those statements and they've stuck with me.

    A lot of women use the argument that we should look out for other woman - protect the sisterhood and all of that and not cross another woman by sleeping with her husband. But I've never bought into the sisterhood argument.I don't think there is a sisterhood.

    So for some folk I'm their worst nightmare. Single girl not afraid to say yes to a married man who propositions her if he takes her fancy.

    I've never had a run in with a wife. I bet that would change my opinions somewhat. Even when I've fallen for the man I've never thought he would leave his wife either so luckily have escaped some of the "typical mistress" screw ups of believing otherwise.

    And funnily enough I am always faithful in relationships - but if a partner cheated would forgive them, or even work out a more honest system.

  3. As a woman, I have cheated... once. For emotional reasons. I was not in love with the guy I was with, and completely head over heels for my best friend, the guy I cheated with. I am now currently dating my best friend, living with him, joint bank account, all of that stuff. Men and women cheat for different reasons, I think, but the bottom line is: it's still wrong.

    I feel horrible about the fact I cheated with my current boyfriend, and worry that sometime in the future he might hold it against me. We've talked it though though, and he says he understands why I did what I did. It was my way out of a relationship that I was completely miserable in, and he respects the fact that I did it with someone I trusted, and carried that indiscretion on into something meaningful, possibly something that will lead to marriage and children.

    I don't really know what this has to do with what has been said, but like I said, I think men and women cheat for different reasons. I hate the fact that I cheated, and I would never, EVER in a million years do it again. I have also never admitted to it before.

  4. i think that just about everyone has or will cheat on a s/o at some point.


    i don't think that makes it right. if you aren't happy w/the person you are with, tell them. give yourselves the opportunity to work it out somehow (become poly, get a divorce, whatever). but the lie implicit in cheating basically destroys the foundation of a relationship. as the cheater, i think this could pull you further away from the person you're cheating on b/c you simply can't be honest and cheat. as the person being cheated on, it's just no fun to be lied to. as the person cheating with? well as long as you don't have false expectations i suppose you 'win' in the scenario. but how would you feel if you were the one being cheated on? i try to ask myself that before i do anything i find even remotely questionable (like chatting on im w/an ex or talking on the phone to someone i used to fuck)... how would i feel about this situation if the shoe was on the other foot? if i find that it would hurt my feelings or make me feel bad or suspicious then i don't do it. b/c i love my husband and don't want to hurt him. but *also* b/c i hold myself to higher standards than i hold other people. if i feel like it would create a bad situation, then i don't want to have to be responsible for it.

  5. Hey Anon

    Thanks for the confession. It sounds like the end result has been a happy one for you. I do a lot of reading on love/sex/cheating from all sorts of angles and it sounds like what you're describing was an "exit affair" where you knew the realationship was doomed so having the affair and finding your next partner was a way out. It's pretty common so I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. If you feel really bad about it still then maybe just promise yourself you won't have an exit affair next time round (if there is a next time and cross my fingers there isn't).

    I have one friend who has done the cheat-and-find-the-next-partner-before-leaving every single time she changes relationships. I think she lies about it to the new partner going forward, so it sounds like you are at least honest and thinking about it enough not to repeat it.

  6. Thanks CurvyM me and my partner were and are definitely honest as we go forward. Our years of friendship has formed a solid base in our relationship, and one thing I'm doing now is speaking up when something bothers me, rather than running and complaining to someone else. If, for some reason, this relationship does come to a close (my fingers are also crossed that it doesn't!), I have far too much respect for him as a person and as my partner to ever cheat on him.

  7. Yup. I've also found sex work has affected my attitude towards recreational sex. I think it makes me a lot choosier about getting what I want out of the interaction -- whatever that might be. If I'm not getting what I want, then why am I not getting paid?

    Actually, I don't think this is an unhealthy attitude.

  8. Oh, and: what I like sexually varies from guy to guy. There are some general things that work (fingering + clit licking = awesome) but what I want from each partner and each interaction is going to be a little different. Isn't that what makes sex fun?

    But yeah, vary the stroke. Hour-long hammerings tend to be both painful and boring. I wonder if the guy even remembers I am there, or is he just fucking something warm and wet.

  9. I just found out that my boss, who I have a huge crush on, finally got his wife pregnant after years of trying. He is also nearly ten years older and - well - did I mention he's my married boss with a baby on the way? Also, I'm in a monogamous relationship.

    But. I would still sleep with him if the opportunity ever came up.

    I don't believe in monogamy, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make because most people do believe in it. Still, I wonder how much longer I will be able to engage in that fantasy.

  10. Hey Anon

    Best of luck with your situation. Sounds like it could get tricky especially if you boss ever clues in on the crush!

    How long have you been in a relationship for? Do you think your partner is open to conversations about other options than monogamy?

  11. Curvy,

    We have been together for almost a year now. I had an "open" relationship with my previous boyfriend, but things didn't work out so well. I kissed his best friend, who had a girlfriend at the time, and my boyfriend wasn't too pleased about that because he felt thrust in the middle. Also, he was more jealous than he'd have liked to admit.

    I've discussed the possibilities of not being monogamous with my current boyfriend, and of course the issue is just as complicated for us as for anyone else. He's straight, I'm bi, and he's not comfortable with me fooling around with other guys at all (he admitted it's a "male competition thing") but girls are fine. He seems to believe that only a girl can please me the way I want (I have a hard time getting off). I think he misunderstands bisexuality and his views on my fooling around with men and women are a bit hypocritical, but he can't help how he feels.

    I even told him he could fool around with other girls because I don't want sex that much, but he said he loved only me and really didn't want anyone else. I'm flattered, but also guilty that I don't return those feelings. I want to fool around with other people (including the aforementioned boss!).

    So, in other words, I don't have to be monogamous but I still need to play by his rules. And I don't like that.

  12. Oh, that sounds so complex. On the one hand it is a great step forward that you can sleep with women, but it sounds like you're not at all on the same page with men.

    And then the guilt of him not wanting anyone else. Ouch. I guess this is where I am heading - into open relationships and such and it does sound complicated.I don't know what advice to offer - maybe other readers with experience in this situation can help??

  13. Well, thanks for listening/reading/responding nonetheless. Yes, the situation is terribly complex - really, I could start my own blog about my complicated relationship wtih sex. I'm not sure who'd read it besides me, though!