Thursday, May 14, 2009

I am still alive

So sorry gang for the lack of posts lately. A few things colliding in my life mean that I'm pretty sure I'm on the path to quitting the whoring for now. Plus I admit to being a tiny bit freaked out by some of the comments, sometimes on the blog, but more often to me personally.

Somehow I think I've picked up a few wanna-be johns as readers, bbw admirers getting their rocks off on the idea of me. And while I had no idea who I was writing the blog for, I think in hindsight I was writing it for girls, other sex workers, and sex worker curious women. Plus wanting to be another voice for the chubbsters of the world. So getting propositioned via the blog was once a quite flattering thing, but some of it has been a tad creepy lately. I don't want anyone getting obsessed with me! I'm much more than just the things I write about here, and you can't get a full picture of me just from this site. Trust me on that ;-)

Another reason I think I'm getting a bit over it all is that it's been a long enough time from my last relationship breakup that I think my heart may be coming back on line.

Quitting is harder said than done. I'm still very much the borderline sex addict I think, but lately I've not really been able to manage the emotional side of sex very well. I feel like I only want to sleep with people that I like and respect, if not love. And I want spooning. This is all very odd for me, and I imagine that the skin crawling sensation while thinking about stranger sex, or fucking just for the sake of it, is what girls who aren't in casual sex must feel like all of the time! Wow, it's pretty limiting. But does give me a lot more spare time!

So I've just turned off the filth phone, and I've pretty much ignored the emails requesting a booking. For a couple of guys I've tried to be polite, and boy has it backfired. To one guy I explained I'd retired, and couldn't see him. His response:

"Hey thanks for your reply. I have the day off as I said and would really like to play with you. I love all women, but especially bbw ones who really turn me on. Even if I could just see you naked and wank that would be hot."

What really irked me about his reply was his lack of respect for me saying "no". He didn't even acknowledge that. Which does worry me a bit - what if I ever said NO in person - would some guys just not hear it and continue on? Also his way of saying "bbw ones" was very depersonalising. I do try and make sure my clients see me as a person - the whole GFE is about not just below the neck but above, however it's clear that doesn't always work!!

The other guy asked if I was still up for fun in bed and I replied that I was, but not in the whoring field any longer. Trying to be a bit funny. His reply: "Great, does that mean a free fuck then?"

Oh My God. You know who this john was? Grandpa. Seriously?! Did he really think that taking the cash out of the equation I would still go to bed with him? I would rather give a blow job to a labrador then sleep with him for free.

The funny this was with both these guys was they didn't try the obvious tactic - offering more money!! Duh!! If there was anyway a retiring whore may give you a repeat booking then it would be for a crap load of dollars!

On a positive note, I've also had a tonne of emails from zaftig girls asking for sex or love advice, or telling me how reading my blog as helped them reconcille their size and their sexuality. This makes me very very happy. And for one special reader I promised her a full blog in reply to her question so stay tuned!

xx

CG

3 comments:

  1. I feel like I only want to sleep with people that I like and respect, if not love.

    I know that feeling ... I caught that in my late 20's, tiring of rolling up numbers for the sake of number ... besides, that was what I was really after anyway.

    It is a choppy sea, transfering from one way of thinking to the other. You will want to find someone with extra understanding, who recognizes that something was a part of your life but not all of you.

    Good luck with that. You are evolving as you speak.

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  2. Great comment Big Mark 243! So true about that extra understanding. I do wonder if I will find someone who will get that although I shagged a bunch of men for cash it doesn't mean I'm not capable of a loving relationship in the future.

    I really don't want to have to lie about my past but other sex worker blogs I've read seem to suggest it's an uphill battle to stay honest and find love!

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  3. i think that it's worth it to find someone who understands about the sex work. perhaps it *is* harder to find... but i suspect it will be healthier for your emotional state to not have to worry about even the possibility of being judged unworthy someday if your secret gets out. of course, it is easy for me to say that since i'm not in your shoes! i *will* say that i never thought i'd find someone who could accept my kink *and* my size *and* my debt *and* well, you get the picture. it took a while. but it was well worth it.

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