Monday, May 25, 2009

Ask Curvy

So...a fellow curvy girl has written to me and asked if I had any opinions on the following topic:

Society basically tells us that people (particularly women) of a certain size aren't supposed to be having sex at all, aren't sexy, and so enticing someone to do/believe just that carries a bit of baggage as well. Having the "confidence" that every sex manual prescribes seems silly without the means to combat all the societal (and internal) negativity..what do you think?

Well I would say that you are bang on the money! I had a completely sexless high school and ended up in a relationship for five years with almost the first person I kissed in college. And until I was in that relationship I'd never done a single thing sober - even kissing! And not even much of it with people I'd fancied. Just those that happened to be there when I was drunk enough not to care what people thought of my weight.

Then after that relationship I thought the solution was to get skinny so I lost over 50 pounds and was an absolute twat for a lot of my twenties - egotistical, over the top confident, god's gift to the world. Cause, you know, I was thin and people hit on me. Then the weight came back and I was back to square one.

It wasn't until I started exploring the online world that I first stumbled onto those men that loved a BBW woman. And from there I figured out how much they'd PAY for the right curvy gal. It totally blew my mind. This was a very odd way though to find my mojo, so I'm going to give you some hints that may help you find yours without resorting to casual sex with online dudes ;-)

Some suggestions to find your sexy self

1) Re-examine your life, not looking at the rejections or negative dating/sex things, but the positive. I bet you'd forgotten about some of the opportunities that came your way!

I spend a good few hours going through my memories and pulled out a few surprising things I'd buried. Like the hot, popular guy at school who dated a really big gal. They broke up and we had a bit of a flirt thing going, but I changed schools. I filed it under "was never going to happen" and in hindsight realise he was probably the holy grail. A normal guy who loved big chicks! Doh. If only I'd filed it under "would have happened if I'd stuck around and is PROOF people find me attractive no matter my size." That may have changed my attitude toward so many things.

Then there was the girl who put her hand on my thigh suggestively under the table at the local pub. I filed that as "probably doesn't realise it is me" rather than "She's sending me a pretty clear signal."

And the boy who took me for a walk by the waterfront at seventeen and we sat next to each other talking for hours about the usual angsty things and I just thought I was playing the role of "fat girl friend easy to talk to" when probably I could have reached out and taken his hand and I bet not got rejected..and from there..who knows?

The moral of this is that I'm somewhat to blame for lack of confidence because of how I interpreted things.

2) If you can - date girls.

Sorry - this one is just a bit of a light hearted suggestion but in my experience women judge less on size when forming relationships and are less likely to reject someone based on looks alone. Skinny or not, some of the hottest people I've dated have been women rather than men. Maybe it was simply because I was less afraid to approach a hot woman? I dunno, but it is interesting - talk to some lesbian or bi girls if you don't believe me. And then go and buy Angelina or Pink a drink and let me know how you go!

3) Realise that guys in groups may be less likely targets for you.

Men hunting as packs are feral. Even if there is a guy amongst them who loves a curvy woman, he may not admit it in front of his mates, especially if drinking. If you really find a guy in a group hot then find a moment to say hi when he is at the bar or on the way to the toilet! You don't want to be around his mates if they start in on "ZOMG look what the fat chick did" juvenile behaviour.

4) You could try stereotyping, but it could backfire.

Where I live I know that usually a Greek or Italian guy is likely to find me hot. I do know I flirt more with them because they seem open to boobs and belly and appreciative of all things female. But I know that some of them also only like supermodels, so it could backfire! If you can think of a culture that loves a real woman you could try targeting the guys!

5) Be wary of the "BBW Only" man

I know I've suggested trying to find guys who are more open to curvy gals, but watch for the fetish type of guys who only want to date a BBW. One of the scariest dates I went on was with one of these. He spent time bitching about a failed date with a woman who thought she was fat, but really was far too skinny to interest him, and he felt forced to point out that she was only a size 12-14 and that was totally gross. Woah. It's sizeism in reverse and I don't EVER want to be with anyone who is totally about the physical and nothing else.

6) Dare yourself in the street to be a bit more open.

I often glance away when I notice someone looking at me. The internal dialogue starts to run "Oh, they are staring cause you are fat and should be ashamed." But I've stopped doing that. I saw a cute guy in the street and he caught my gaze in his direction and I fought the urge to turn away or drop my eyes all embarrassed like. And you know what - he smiled at me. He may just be polite, but still it was an ego boost cause I chose to interpret it as a good thing.

Along side this goes the obvious advice of not trying to be invisible - walk tall, don't hug the edge of the sidewalk, don't look down at your feet. Where clothes that suit your personality. Don't hide from hairdressers or makeup or bright colours or anything like that and punch anyone who talks about black being slimming. I am socially backward at makeup I know since I didn't see the point as a fat teenager - but it's not too late to learn! We're fat - not lepers.

7) Take the easy way out

I'm a big fan of notes! Write a note and leave it for the cute waiter. Get some of those great cards with your first name and an email or phone number or something and hand them out. Run away if you have to afterwards but it's a start to putting yourself out there. You can work up to asking someone out if you like later.

8) Travel

Everyone has lower inhibitions when traveling. Pretend you are someone new for a few days or weeks and see what happens. Bonus points if you go somewhere that means you have an accent. It's like shooting fish in a barrel then!

9) Dress the part

It's hard work to find sexy clothes, especially lingerie, that flatter a big girl but for me I think of it as like a costume and can play up and be much sexier than I am normally!

10) Rejection happens

Try not to put down rejection to the size thing. Anyone trying to get laid, get lucky, find love or whatever is faced with rejection at times. Lick your wounds and move on!

I don't know if any of this is much help to anyone - I think I suffer just as much as the next girl with the same size issues in public - my escorting is almost like a cheat's way because online clients already know what I look like and being rejected online is not a big deal.

So if any one else wants to suggest options for feeling like a sexual being - love handles and all - then fire away!


  1. Thank you SO much for sharing this with us--it really hits home for me. I swear it's like you've read my mind and tailored your answers for me.

    All my life I've been bigger and caught up in my low self-esteem about my size. I'm 24 now and have never even been on a date, even though I'm sure I could have been on lots if I just did some of the things you mentioned. I know I'm not fugly since I've actually done some professional and legitimate plus sized modelling--it's just been my insecurities that have kept me back.

    I didn't realize that other gals felt the same way as I... I feel like I'm all alone, I even lie to my friends about my "condition".

    I think I'm going to print this post out and keep it with me for a while. I need a reality check sometimes.

    Thanks again.

  2. Another thing that helps A LOT is to get to know your body. I mean, really get to know your body. Run your hands over every part, find out what feels good, enjoy the exploration. Learn to love even those parts that you think don't look so good, because there is someone out there who will absolutely love them (and I know whereof I speak, I used to hate my huge, saggy, baggy boobs, but DH loves them and now I kinda like them

  3. Great advice! I think I'm gonna print this post and stick it on my front door for a while.

    I still haven't gotten comfortable with being flirted with, but I'm working on it. :)

  4. I'm a (male) BBW admirer and concur with the advice to avoid the "BBW ONLY" types - they're no different than having a fixation on other TYPES of women... but no regard for the woman herself.

    A couple of comments from the male's perspective. One of the biggest barriers a BBW has in the dating scene is that they generally don't know how to handle a compliment, an admiring glance, or pickup line. Their defenses go on full alert and THEY'RE the ones that are discouraging any kind of relationship. This happens even when the BBW that wants to be noticed (low cut blouse) does get noticed, and then they shoot a guy noticing and complimenting!

    The best part of being with a BBW is that there's so much more of them to be intimate with. If guys had any idea that an evening spent with a BBW can be so much more than the act! The touching with a BBW is so incredible, if you learn to take your time and enjoy exploring all her curves with your hands. BBWs are far MORE sensuous in my experience - they have more skin to be fondled and to get excited from being touched.

    Yes, you'll run into some jerks... maybe a lot of them. But if you want to meet one of the good guys, you have to be willing to risk it.

    Lastly, I disagree about online being always a bad idea. Craigslist has no controls, but Adult FriendFinder has some pretty good tools to help you sort out the ones with some potential from the flakes. They have to be reasonably literate (intelligent) to attract any serious attention, you can have semi-anonymous email exchanges, you can see reputation and recommendation from others, you can see if they're "spewing" on forums, and lastly if they're really creepy you can complain and there's accountability from ultimately being traceable from it being a system with payment.

    If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have settled for what I have now. I'm married to a BBW who's emotionally fragile about her size. It doesn't matter how much I love her or encourage her, she just doesn't have that internal assurance that's she's good enough, sexy enough, etc. That's a huge drain, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm the male version of trying to "fix her" if I could just "love her more". If I had it to do over again, I would have waited to find, yes... a BBW, but one that is cool with BEING a BBW, and enjoys the effect their bodies have on the men that are wired to really enjoy BBWs.

  5. I had my own awakening taking sexy pics of myself and posting them on bbw friendly forums. The positive feedback made me look at myself in a new way, and the photography let me see my body and it's appeal more clearly.

  6. I think that you gave out great advice ... in fact, you could tweak it, and apply it to most women.

    The big thing to me, is finding your own self esteem. Having the confidence that you are what someone wants, is priceless.

  7. As someone who's pretty much only ever dated larger women ... and is currently engaged to one ... I've learned a few things.

    Don't 'settle' for a BBW-lovin' guy. Wouldn't it be nice to be loved just for who you are -- yes, and how you look -- instead of because you fit their drool-inspiring agenda? As my lady put it, "I want to be a girlfriend, not a fetish."

    If you don't like how you look, own it, don't project it. Do something about it or accept it, but don't make it other peoples' fault if they aren't into it.

    Don't become one of "those girls" who's so hungry for attention from a man -- any man, if it gets lonely enough -- that she'd do things outside her own true moral self. I'm a fat dude myself, and I know that I was one of "those guys" ... and frankly, "those guys" can meet "those girls" in ways that are mutually exploitative.

    Don't be the pity f*ck. Don't give the pity f*ck. Do what feels good, but be brutally honest with yourself about why. Living by the cognitive distortion that "I don't think I'll ever get to do this again, because I'm [fat, ugly, just a mess]" has gotten me into more trouble than I'd care to admit.

    Bottom line: you may think folks won't like you, and you're right ... not everyone will. You're not everyone's cup of tea. You can't change that. All you can change is you -- how you relate to the world. You can go out and make all the mistakes by yourself, sure. Experience is the name we later give to our mistakes -- and I can tell you from my experience that you'll look back on yourself more fondly if you live from the top of your potential.

    As for the advice here -- yeah, date girls. And if you're into stereotypes, pretty much all the big girls I've dated have been hit on mercilessly by black guys. Your mileage may vary.

  8. Wow - these are such great comments. Especially from the boys! I must say I agree with Laura too about photos. As first I was reluctant but once I got into it I found I loved erotic or naked pics being taken.

    I found it really hard to cope looking at some of them at first but started to look at it more from an arty point of view and over time have changed some of the ways I think about my body. And I discovered things I'd never known - like I think I have an awesome ass. I was so busy hating my belly I'd never noticed the great butt!

    And as for Anon with his BBW wife who can't lover herself - he's got some good points. No one can fix you. It's so hard though. I think of it like an abused dog. They get so used to people raising their hand to hit them than even raising your hand to pat them makes them freak out and think the worse. They are conditioned to expect something bad.

    And so it goes with fat chicks. I dunno about the rest of you but I've lost track of the number of times a guy has gone to talk to me or make a comment and it's turned out to be a nasty one about my weight. I've even been yelled at in the street for riding a push bike. Terrible. So it's hard then to not expect the worse when a guy really does want to talk respectfully! How do we get over that??

    And bigasssuperstar - great insight! Thanks!

  9. spelling today in that last comment. Sigh. Can I blame cold typing fingers?

  10. Thanks so much for the advice; like others have said, feeling...attractive has always been difficult, to say the least. Funnily enough, even more so now that i'm married. The Anon husband, CG's got it spot on: we hear that we're anything but pretty so often that it's hard to even fathom that you believe otherwise(after all, you see the same ads, shows, pictures, posters, news stories, movies, videos [you get the idea] that we do, right?) More than likely, we've heard it from people we loved and trusted, too.

    One more thing: bigassuperstar, the stereotype of MoC liking larger women is just that: a stereotype. There are lots of issues regarding attractiveness and PoC, especially when size is involved.

  11. Gina: Agreed! I'm not meaning to apply any reality to the stereotype ... just following the point of 'if you're into stereotyping -- which is a rather iffy and pointless bet -- you might try this' ... and if I were to narrow it down from 'black people', I'd definitely say Canadians of Jamaican heritage. No value judgement involved in that observation, and it's merely anecdotal statistics based on a skewed, biased and insignificantly small sample size. In other words, stereotypes are probably wrong more often than they're right, so try to live in reality.

    In other news... I wonder if this kind of advice can be taken to heart by fat guys, too? I mean, any time any woman's given me a compliment, I either assume she's playing a joke on me or she's pretty desperate. (You know, that old logic of "I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member.")

    Does all this anti-sizeist, love-thyself, you're-worth-it stuff apply to fat guys, too? Once fat girls escape their own self-flagellation, are they liberated enough to get hot for a fat guy?

  12. I agree with almost everything everyone has said except to go back to the black guys liking big girls. I am from a rural Appalachian town and around here 95% of the black guys date/marry/chase after BBW. I dated a gorgeous and I mean GORGEOUS black guy who loved BBW it wasnt a fetish. Thats just what he found attractive. I think the key to being happy with yourself is first Confidence. Even if your not really confident about yourself. FAKE IT! (We all know how to do that ladies!)Slap on a slinky top and some tight jeans spend an hour on hair and make up and go out and even if your miserable thinking the worst, act like you dont give a damn. Then when these guys (and girls) approach you gradually you will start to be more comfortable and happy and eventually you will have honest to goodness confidence and you will rock it!

  13. Blessings...
    Western society tend to catergorize big women as undesirable and incapable of caring for themselves, dance, play sports or do anyting beside eat and fart.

    I grew up in the Caribbean and let me tell you big women have no problem getting men. In fact i had to beat them off with a stick. I played netball (similar to basketball), soccer, cricket, I sang, did theatre and dance competively and I was never a size 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, or 10.

    It's about confidence, a skinny woman is no more sexy that a big woman and every woman big, small, short, tall have some issue with their bodies. My point, if you want someone to love you, desire you, treat you right with respect and dignity you have to start with you. You have to love yourself as you are, accept and remember that acceptance doesn't mean that you don't have work to do or shouldn't do it simply means you accept who you are.

    Work on cultivating a positive self-image and eliminate anyone from your life that is cancerous to your psyche. Its important to note that note that not every fat woman, man or child is unfit although society will tell you that all fat people are unfit. I know some skinny '*itches' that can't climb a flight of stairs without gasping for breath and blowing their heart out their ass from exhaustion.

    Please be mindful that your first love starts with self. IF you don't love and accept you, whom do you expect to? If you don't treat and care for yourself right, whom do you expect to and how will you know the difference if you don't set a standard by which you would be treated and regarded?

    That's my 2 cents worth.

  14. Rhapsody - I love the way you write! You crack me up! Thanks for your comment!