So...a fellow curvy girl has written to me and asked if I had any opinions on the following topic:
Society basically tells us that people (particularly women) of a certain size aren't supposed to be having sex at all, aren't sexy, and so enticing someone to do/believe just that carries a bit of baggage as well. Having the "confidence" that every sex manual prescribes seems silly without the means to combat all the societal (and internal) negativity..what do you think?
Well I would say that you are bang on the money! I had a completely sexless high school and ended up in a relationship for five years with almost the first person I kissed in college. And until I was in that relationship I'd never done a single thing sober - even kissing! And not even much of it with people I'd fancied. Just those that happened to be there when I was drunk enough not to care what people thought of my weight.
Then after that relationship I thought the solution was to get skinny so I lost over 50 pounds and was an absolute twat for a lot of my twenties - egotistical, over the top confident, god's gift to the world. Cause, you know, I was thin and people hit on me. Then the weight came back and I was back to square one.
It wasn't until I started exploring the online world that I first stumbled onto those men that loved a BBW woman. And from there I figured out how much they'd PAY for the right curvy gal. It totally blew my mind. This was a very odd way though to find my mojo, so I'm going to give you some hints that may help you find yours without resorting to casual sex with online dudes ;-)
Some suggestions to find your sexy self
1) Re-examine your life, not looking at the rejections or negative dating/sex things, but the positive. I bet you'd forgotten about some of the opportunities that came your way!
I spend a good few hours going through my memories and pulled out a few surprising things I'd buried. Like the hot, popular guy at school who dated a really big gal. They broke up and we had a bit of a flirt thing going, but I changed schools. I filed it under "was never going to happen" and in hindsight realise he was probably the holy grail. A normal guy who loved big chicks! Doh. If only I'd filed it under "would have happened if I'd stuck around and is PROOF people find me attractive no matter my size." That may have changed my attitude toward so many things.
Then there was the girl who put her hand on my thigh suggestively under the table at the local pub. I filed that as "probably doesn't realise it is me" rather than "She's sending me a pretty clear signal."
And the boy who took me for a walk by the waterfront at seventeen and we sat next to each other talking for hours about the usual angsty things and I just thought I was playing the role of "fat girl friend easy to talk to" when probably I could have reached out and taken his hand and I bet not got rejected..and from there..who knows?
The moral of this is that I'm somewhat to blame for lack of confidence because of how I interpreted things.
2) If you can - date girls.
Sorry - this one is just a bit of a light hearted suggestion but in my experience women judge less on size when forming relationships and are less likely to reject someone based on looks alone. Skinny or not, some of the hottest people I've dated have been women rather than men. Maybe it was simply because I was less afraid to approach a hot woman? I dunno, but it is interesting - talk to some lesbian or bi girls if you don't believe me. And then go and buy Angelina or Pink a drink and let me know how you go!
3) Realise that guys in groups may be less likely targets for you.
Men hunting as packs are feral. Even if there is a guy amongst them who loves a curvy woman, he may not admit it in front of his mates, especially if drinking. If you really find a guy in a group hot then find a moment to say hi when he is at the bar or on the way to the toilet! You don't want to be around his mates if they start in on "ZOMG look what the fat chick did" juvenile behaviour.
4) You could try stereotyping, but it could backfire.
Where I live I know that usually a Greek or Italian guy is likely to find me hot. I do know I flirt more with them because they seem open to boobs and belly and appreciative of all things female. But I know that some of them also only like supermodels, so it could backfire! If you can think of a culture that loves a real woman you could try targeting the guys!
5) Be wary of the "BBW Only" man
I know I've suggested trying to find guys who are more open to curvy gals, but watch for the fetish type of guys who only want to date a BBW. One of the scariest dates I went on was with one of these. He spent time bitching about a failed date with a woman who thought she was fat, but really was far too skinny to interest him, and he felt forced to point out that she was only a size 12-14 and that was totally gross. Woah. It's sizeism in reverse and I don't EVER want to be with anyone who is totally about the physical and nothing else.
6) Dare yourself in the street to be a bit more open.
I often glance away when I notice someone looking at me. The internal dialogue starts to run "Oh, they are staring cause you are fat and should be ashamed." But I've stopped doing that. I saw a cute guy in the street and he caught my gaze in his direction and I fought the urge to turn away or drop my eyes all embarrassed like. And you know what - he smiled at me. He may just be polite, but still it was an ego boost cause I chose to interpret it as a good thing.
Along side this goes the obvious advice of not trying to be invisible - walk tall, don't hug the edge of the sidewalk, don't look down at your feet. Where clothes that suit your personality. Don't hide from hairdressers or makeup or bright colours or anything like that and punch anyone who talks about black being slimming. I am socially backward at makeup I know since I didn't see the point as a fat teenager - but it's not too late to learn! We're fat - not lepers.
7) Take the easy way out
I'm a big fan of notes! Write a note and leave it for the cute waiter. Get some of those great moo.com cards with your first name and an email or phone number or something and hand them out. Run away if you have to afterwards but it's a start to putting yourself out there. You can work up to asking someone out if you like later.
Everyone has lower inhibitions when traveling. Pretend you are someone new for a few days or weeks and see what happens. Bonus points if you go somewhere that means you have an accent. It's like shooting fish in a barrel then!
9) Dress the part
It's hard work to find sexy clothes, especially lingerie, that flatter a big girl but for me I think of it as like a costume and can play up and be much sexier than I am normally!
10) Rejection happens
Try not to put down rejection to the size thing. Anyone trying to get laid, get lucky, find love or whatever is faced with rejection at times. Lick your wounds and move on!
I don't know if any of this is much help to anyone - I think I suffer just as much as the next girl with the same size issues in public - my escorting is almost like a cheat's way because online clients already know what I look like and being rejected online is not a big deal.
So if any one else wants to suggest options for feeling like a sexual being - love handles and all - then fire away!