Friday, March 13, 2009

Dear Dr Phil...

I'm having an issue. Totally self-inflicted, but unexpected. I think due to a recent drop in my standards, plus actually fucking purely for cash and not enjoyment, plus going too far with the GFE stuff...I'm starting to hate most men. I can't stand the idea of sex with them anymore.

I'm just feeling worn out. With my whole commitment to a great GFE I'd allowed a few of the guys to text me. So I've been having these crazy sex talk texts on and off - and basically pretending I am what they want me to be - a lover they can talk too who just so happens to be totally into what they are into sexually. I shouldn't have started it. I'm going about my life and I find a message pops up from Dr Spermies "So you totally love it when I rub my cock on your clit right..."

Vomit. I don't. I pretend I do. You buy my pretence. And now take it too far. Texting me, wanting to drink wine with me, wanting to kiss and stroke me like a real lover. Blurgh. But how do I say, "Either book in or bugger off" when I was the one who fucked the boundaries first?

I check my emails and they are on email too. Asking things. Trying to beg and wheddle and negotiate and argue and get cheaper rates and wanting to know more about me and questioning, questioning, questioning. Really most clients at the moment are like a bunch of horrid school boys all wanting a piece of me and I'm finding it harder not to ground them all for lack of emotional maturity.

My gorgeous, friendly, nice guys seem to have dropped off at present. Maybe they've got true love somewhere. Maybe they did the right thing - used me as a service, treated me professionally and then left me alone.

I'm going to have to backtrack. Get some personal space back. Stop replying to the text and the emails and up my rates to remind them of what I am. A part time lover. An escort. Nothing more.

I think it's all coming to a head now too cause it's almost been a year since I last "made love" to someone I loved, and who loved me. For the first six months it was all casual sex, and then it was the whoring experiment. And now I find myself wondering whether relationships were really that bad, and maybe I don't want to be single, and maybe I only want to sleep with people who want to stroke my back, kiss me good morning and bring me a coffee in bed.

Oh no. I wanna go back to being the sex machine with no emotions. The Terminator of Call-Girls. Fuck and Go. Nooooo...what is going on Dr Phil??

7 comments:

  1. Have you reconsidered staying with SplenDaddy? I personally am seeing a connection between this post and that one about dropping him.

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  2. Interesting connection but I don't think that's it. I've lost any kinda "extra special" interest in SplenDaddy and haven't even really seen or heard from him in weeks. I think it's the couple of grandpas and Dr Spermies that did it!

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  3. yeah it's rough when the boundaries get crossed for whatever reason. personally, i found that getting paid for something i really enjoyed doing changed my enjoyment of it. :( which is why i don't pro-domme. i just don't have the right personality for it. tho i got very good at creating boundaries and sticking to them over the years! anyhow, i hope your situation improves and you can re-instate some boundaries w/the guys wanting that gfe. i'm sure that will help your mood a lot.

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  4. maybe the money is corrupting your values system? I'm not throughing stones - alcohol used to do that to me.

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  5. Good call Charlotte. It just seems such "easy" money it's not later till I realised I went places I said I wouldn't go but felt fine at the time..

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  6. It seems to me you have a few viable options to consider:

    1. Quit the business. This is probably the simplest, since you're not reliant on the money.
    2. If you keep the job: Change your client number and client email. Email the clients you want to keep w/ your updated information. Do not contact the clingy GFE guys again.
    3. Also if you keep the job: Fire the clingy clients w/o changing your contact information.
    4. Fuck only for money. Don't hate men, but simply realise that you are exploiting the weakness of SOME (not all) men. There's plenty of chance for you to meet a winning sort outside of this line of work.
    5. Raise your standards back to the 4 drink whatever, and don't compromise them, even if it is a lot of money. Also, raise your fees. The higher the fees are, the more discriminating you're able to be, it seems (as long as they're not prohibitively high).

    I personally would vote for option #1, because you're NOT reliant on the income. However, if you do choose to continue, I personally would combine options #2 and #5. Mainly because I don't think you're emotionally equipped (which is not a bad thing) to deal w/ #4.

    Either way, good luck!

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  7. QUOTE:
    "If you keep the job: Change your client number and client email. Email the clients you want to keep w/ your updated information. Do not contact the clingy GFE guys again."

    Why not have a system where you chat back and forth with potentials on one email and once you decide for sure that they are to your standards and you wouldn't mind seeing them again, give them an email address reserved for regular/approved clients?

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