Monday, March 2, 2009

Client # 14 (Fucking Grandpa)

Oh dear me. I threw away my standards for a good paying two hour booking. Cause the money was going to cover more than half my bill. Not only would this guy not have been shaggable with the four beers or less rule, I could have drunk a whole slab (24 beers) and still not have gone there.

It was like a challenge I decided to accept. Truth, Dare, or Physical Challenge. I was kinda curious to see how I would cope.

He was late fifties. With a porn star mustache that probably looked good in his first decade of work. In 1961. He treated me like a sex worker. I was there to please him and be his play thing. He wanted to shower with me and simply turned for me to soap him up. No words. Just kinda "Get to it." Very Mad Men. I was his little lady/whore.

Naked - he looked fine. He felt like a woman really. His body soft and having lost muscle tone. It was kinda nice as long as I didn't think of Samantha in Sex in the City when she shagged the old dude, and saw the saggy bum. I did not look at all in the bum-ular region.

On the plus side he was awesome at oral sex. Massive orgasm. On the funny side, he fell asleep at one point, suddenly, and just like Abe Simpson. And he got leg cramps. We had to call time out. And he shook when he supported his body weight. Awwwww.

Gramps still had some bad habits that life hadn't beaten out of him. The dreaded hand on the back of the head trying to force deep throating. Fuck I hate that. And he couldn't kiss. It was horrid.

First, he smoked the same brand of tobacco as my father. And as he opened his mouth and leaned it I was transported back to the caravans of my youth. Bad, bad visual. Do not want to think of my father in this situation. Ewww.

Anyhow cause of his facial hair, kissing him was quite like muff-diving. Except that this tongue came out of his face-muff to maul and slober on me. Smelling of my father.

I really did just "Lay back and think of England" as they say.

What I want to know is how he can get so good at going down, and not learn to kiss along the way? So many men are like that. Maybe cause kissing is about intimacy and they don't want to excel at that?? What type of women marry these men and spend their whole lives coping with the bad kissing?

Also..like Dr Spermies (Client #13) he was obsessed with rubbing his dick on my clit. For almost an hour. Now I think I would enjoy extended versions of this just as much if I got myself two slices of week-old, slimy ham, lubed it up and held them out for him to rub betwixt. It simply does nothing for me.

He roared like a animal when he came. I was very impressed. Best cum noise I've heard yet. Surprised he didn't beat his chest in triumph. In his day he would have been the alpha male head of the baboon troop I'm sure. Once were warriors. Ha.

Ah well, at least he didn't say "Back in my day" - and he did appear to have his own teeth.

No regrets from me.

6 comments:

  1. Hahahahha. Oh dear me, I laughed so hard until my sides hurt. This was a great account, definitely. Keep it coming, dahling. Toodles!

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  3. I have to agree that has to be one of the funniest posts. After he did roar I am sure he slept like a log

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  4. I have just finished reading thru some of your archives. What a lovely sense of humor you have! And some of the terms you have used. Cuntyface! This is my favorite word of the week. It actually may topple my previous favorite phrase "cock juggling thunder cunt" but I am not sure, as the image of some fierce woman with lightning bolts of power radiating from her "lady garden" (lol) is a pretty good one. And she would be waving a purple dildo. Maybe Thunder Cunt goddess and Cuntyface can hang out. Booking breakers and limit pushers beware!

    Ah, I kill me. But seriously, keep up the writing, and the laughing. Don't forget to lean on your fellow ho's (I need me some more leurnin too) for support when you need it. Somethings are best understood by other working girls. Thunder Cunt bless the internet.

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  5. Oh lol. Truly awesome post.

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  6. This absolutely cracked me up! Love your blog!

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