About an hour after my Valentine's email went out I heard from a guy who had been one of my first potential clients - way back at the beginning.
He wanted to come over straight away. He warned me that he did want to sniff amyl while having sex and I said in that case he could pay the original rates we'd decided on months ago, rather than my V Day special. Made it sound like a bit of a big deal. The great thing was - back when I was really new I had gone through a stage of charging almost twice as much as I do now.
Yay me. Mega dollars.
So he arrived and he was as his photo had shown - a small, round, short, Buddha looking Chinese-Malaysian guy. In kung fu shoes no less. With a backpack like he'd come from school. He was also giggly and somewhat stoned.
Into the shower he goes. He asks if I do massage, and although I've never given a sensual massage I figure I just oil him up, get mostly naked and do some body glides and such. Within minutes of course he was turned on and ready for action.
Cause of the amyl sniffing he wanted missionary position which was great. I never get to do that these days! I got comfortable and then he started to fuck like a jack rabbit and sniff away. It turned him almost into a human vibrator or dildo which was quite a nice feeling.
I've never slept with an Asian guy and was trying really hard not to stereotype. He did bring up the pressures of being the only Asian kid, and being hothoused at school and home to do well academically etc etc - but no way did I assume anything about him. But did that stop him assuming stuff about me? No bloody way.
He said something than turned my blood to ice.
"I love to fuck fat chicks...it's my version of safe sex. Cause, you know, it's not like fat girls get much action so they aren't likely to have any diseases."
Well, it's no wonder this boy doesn't have girlfriends if he's dating curvy gals and then hitting them with this opinion. I wanted to stand up for all of us fatties. I wanted to scream, to hit him, to throw him out. But the trouble was - he didn't mean to insult me. It was just a well-known fact, according to him. Then he went onto the usual stereotypes of fat girls being warm, friendly, loving, nice, not bitchy.
I found myself agreeing with him, just trying to shut him up and get back to the fucking. My internal monologue was really going along these lines:
"You amyl-sniffing asshole, tossmonkey, dipstick, loser boy, I hate you on behalf of big girls everywhere ..."
Hardly fucking warm and friendly like he thought I was. But I guess I'm getting paid not to express my opinions as such, but to be what he wants me to be. I mean, when I can, I educate, but some folk are beyond redemption.
My revenge was funny. With his jack-rabbit, consistent pounding I actually found myself about to have an orgasm in freakin' missionary position - with his smallish penis actually hitting a good angle. But damned if I was going to let him know. So I kinda had the worlds quietest orgasm cause I didn't want him to think he was good in bed. Ha.
Then he tried to go down on me. But got all chatty while in my lady garden and kept stopping to look up and me and philosophise. At one point he was trying to locate my clit, and failing, and he starts on a rant about not understanding lesbians, because surely anyone would just be happy to use a cock, especially if they are the type of lesbian to use a dildo.
I used every bit of willpower in my body not to yell - "Well for STARTERS. A fucking lesbian could find my CLIT. And probably wouldn't want to talk to me while muff-diving."
Where on earth do these men come from, honestly?!